The winding road that I called “Life”

Feeling in love is the very last thing I want now but I really cant stop feeling so at times.Ever encounter anyone annoyed you at times and you cant really get mad at them?At least not for very long?I have many questions ’bout this particular people I befriends with..and I wondered how much of a body language can tells you things?One of them today came to ask me opinions bout a serious topic,while talking feeling frustrated abit I guess, he sort of play a little footsie with me,a little tapping my knees..You see..this is interesting to me as this person and I are as open to anybody and anything can be,but at times i do feel abit strange as it’s hard t find any guys who are that open in Malaysia. Another person is also a very close friend of mine, who many times I’m confused by his body language. Though I know he is interested in someone else, and the loyal type, at times there were just gestures he did that puzzled me to think that he might have a tiny feeling for me but due to how our friendships is like, he maybe not want to risk anything. I dont understant why guys say we females are complicated and cant figure us out. Me either on the males!

Recently I started to read a book by Amy Tan,"The Kitchen God’s Wife". I came across an interesting chapter which I could totally relate to.One of the main character was complaining how her absent-minded friend can leave some important or big events memories that impacted on others,behind.They were war buddies,during the China and Japanese wartime.She remembers her friend came and save her once during a warning given by the Japaneses,at the city of Nanking.She never did thanks her then and after many years later she remembered and wanted to thanks her, but unfortunately her friend claimed that she remembers nothing but the duck kidneys she ate there once, like it was nothing worth to keep in her mind.Meanwhile this main character remembers everything, happy and sad ones, the ones nobody else remembers them.That, the character claimed it’s a very lonely feeling.

That last sentence struck me while reading the chapter.I could totally relate to that!Example, my brother who came back from the States,turned to a different person.He claimes he has some sort of amnesia,certain things he can’t remember especially things that happened during his childhood.And that really hurts me to hear that as most of those childhood times includes me, having fun with him, being the big brother to his sister.To say he can’t remember the time he thought me how to catch ants, freeze them in a bottle so they can be still and be drawn,how I learn to ride a bicycle from him..all those memories that only to be known by both of us,and only I remembers them..yes..It’s a lonely feeling.

It’s a very lonely feeling when the only person you think could understand or see the same wave lenght as you about issues of life, is not someone who can be with you 24/7.You tried explaining yourself to others who is around you often and they just dun get you, thinking you are just too deep and complex…yes indeed it’s a very lonely feeling…

Things been popping around my head for awhile lately.Thinking bout my job, thinking how comfortable I’m starting to be in but yet not quite.Knowing that this job can’t be the one!Thus I need to move on quick.Chinese New Year is around the corner and that makes it even harder to get hired soon.The job I’m currently in cant be all that great for me if you dream often bout it.Think that’s what really really call STRESS settling in. Lately also I been a little worry with this year, getting the feeling that this year is the year where people born in the year of Dog, may need to struggle a little to get what they wanted. Plus a little bit more alert as I feel we, dog ppl are abit accident prone this year. Call it coincident but I like to think it’s not, that on my 2nd day of NewYear I had a little accident with the car bumper,over this weekend I had a close shave with scratching the car by the side of a highway wall when a car suddenly try to cut by the side!Another dog friend of mine also had a minor accident with his bike over the weekend, so what do u think?Theory of this year dog ppl will have to suffer abit is right or wrong? Some of my friends doesnt buy the idea that I have a sixth sense.Its not like I can see the future or anything like that, but I believe I do have a slightly stronger sensitive intuition.Seem to runs in the family too.The other day my mom sneezes so badly and she suspect my sis was trying to call us from US.Sure enough, there was a package of a cake and bouquet of flowers sent over to celebrate her birthday.Plus she sneeezes again and after 10mins telephone rang!Yes!It was my sister! I, on the other hand seem to have an eye for people’s characters, thus maybe that comes in handy in relationships.I more or less can tell that if that relationship is gonna happen or not..even if I only just know the person..It’s quite alarming actually especially when it does turn out true..I only wish I could use this gift to save my own life..that would be nice..but then at times some things are better left unknown.

This year I’m trying very hard not to think bout anything else but my career.However my mind start to wander abit now and then, thinking of a particular someone.Someone who I know that we are unlikely able to bloom into any sort of special relationship..but I still cant help feeling attracted to the person nor care for him.He drives my nerve up the wall at times that sometimes, that’s when I really hate feeling anything of sorts of feelings for him.Is this what you called In Love?Is that what it is when you cant get him out of ur head?, when it hurts when he is hurt?, when eventhough he drives you up the wall, you still like the person? If that’s what called In Love, I rather not have it. Because it’s a tiring process. I’m already tired from work, from life and if being In Love needs to be tiring too, then damn it beggone!I dont need it!

Welcoming the year 2006!Just thought I should write abit to start of the year.Time sure passes us by fast!I cant believe I have been working at HSBC for almost 8months!SO what are my resolutions this year?Ha!I wish I wish I could say that resolutions for the year is not to make any at all!!??Nah,I do wish i will get a better job offer this year.This finance industry is definately not my long time goal..

My other resolution is to try to reduce my weight..like every other girls will wish on that too..I never really consider myself be overweight nor self conscious bout my appearances but lately I guess I started abit not by purposely.All started when last 2 weeks I had a horrible stomach pain and didnt have appetite to eat except maybe light meals like oatmeals, biscuits or porriage.Since then I started only consuming those during my lunches at work:drink the oatmeals and only have one dinner meal after work.I did lose some weight,but that’s also because of my work, too much work ’till too busy to have a proper lunch meal.Despite feeling good bout the weight lost,it is also painful to know I might need new clothes soon as the old ones made me look under growing wearing them.Gonna be burning a hole tru my wallet!